When you think of the upcoming holidays, do you conjure up a mental picture of family members happily sharing a scrumptious, gourmet dinner? A cozy home decorated to perfection?
Maybe these scenes exist for some people but most of us experience holidays that aren’t straight out of a Norman Rockwell painting or a Martha Stewart magazine cover. In fact, the season from Thanksgiving through Christmas, Hanukkah and New Year’s Day can sometimes leave us feeling frazzled, anxious and even depressed.
Too many obligations, frenzied shopping, family tensions and just plain over-doing it can send stress levels soaring. However it doesn’t have to be that way. Nadine Kaslow, PhD, Professor in the Emory University School of Medicine’s Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences, offers some specific ways to have a calmer, less-anxious and happier season .
Understanding the causes of holiday stress
This time of year is loaded with different and competing demands – as well as impossible-to-meet expectations. “People are supposed to have fun over the holidays. You are supposed to have good cheer. You are supposed to get the gifts you want. These expectations are off the charts and they are often unrealistic,” Dr. Kaslow tells Synergy. “For example, we’re often expected to visit family members and in-laws but we also want to spend time with our own partner and family. For many people, the holidays bring up old family issues and conflicts, too.”
She points out that the workload at this time of year can be tremendous. Not only do we have our regular jobs to attend to, but there’s also shopping for gifts and preparing holiday meals. It’s not unusual for people to feel extra financial stresses due to holiday expenses, as well.
“Some feel there are too many people to deal with – too many parties, too many social obligations,” Dr. Kaslow adds. “But others can feel lonely and isolated. After all, not everyone feels connected to their families or even has a family or friends to be with over the holidays.”
How to make this time of year happier and sanerDr. Kaslow, who is the President-Elect (designate) of the American Psychological Association, offers these suggestions to soothe stress and enjoy your holidays:
Pace yourself.
Look at your schedule and realistically pace your activities. “So maybe you have to attend many holiday parties but nobody says you have to stay the whole time,” Dr. Kaslow says. “Look at the ones you can skip this year if you need to.”
Share responsibilities.
Step back and make sensible plans. For example, you don’t have to cook the whole holiday meal. Consider a pot luck dinner with family and friends or even a progressive dinner with neighbors. Be creative about how you share responsibilities.
Be realistic about financial expectations.
“If money is tight, there are ways you can celebrate the holidays without getting so stressed financially. Consider making or baking presents,” Dr. Kaslow suggests. “Or maybe you can have a Secret Santa in your family this year so that you don’t have to give to everybody – instead, just give presents to one or two people. Set a price limit for what can be spent on gifts. Consider that often people would rather you do something with them rather than give them something.”
Stick to your regular routine as much as possible.
If exercise is an important part of your routine, keep exercising. If talking to your friends keeps you on an even keel, make sure you stay in touch with them. “If work is actually a de-stresser for you, fit in some work time over the holidays. Think about the things that help you stay centered in your life – the routines, the rituals, the activities – and keep those in there this time of year,” Dr. Kaslow says.
Get some space.
If family issues become difficult, take care of yourself. Take a walk, a run or a ride. Getting by yourself to read a book or take a bathe can help soothe and defuse stress.
Avoid anything to excess .
Whether it’s eating, shopping, or drinking, too much of a good thing only increases stress and can spark family conflicts.
Face issues of loss.
If you’ve lost a loved one due to a death or gone through a divorce, you may need to give yourself time to grieve. “You don’t have to pretend to be happy or pretend you aren’t feeling sadness. Give yourself permission to feel the absence. Maybe spend some time talking about what it used to be like without getting so focused on the loss that you can’t focus on what does exists in the present,” advises Dr. Kaslow. “Oftentimes, it can help to create some new rituals. If you are thinking ‘we always did it this way on Christmas Eve, or the first night of Hanukkah or first night of Kwanzaa,’ consider some different ways you can do that. Create new family traditions and rituals.”
How to cope if you are lonely.
Not everyone has a family and you may be new to an area and not have any close friends there. Volunteering to help others can help you participate in the holiday spirit. “By going to your church or synagogue, you can connect with people who have holiday activities for people who might not have families.” Dr. Kaslow tells Synergy. “Sometimes you need to reach out. You aren’t the only person who doesn’t have anybody– there are many people who feel lonely at the holidays. Spend some time thinking about who those other people are and connect with them so you can start a new family of friends. The holidays can be a good time to reach out to family members we haven’t talked to in a long time, too.”
Defusing family stress.
If you know family issues often boil over at family gatherings, plan a briefer visit or take breaks while you visit family members. Holidays are a really good time to choose your battles wisely, Dr. Kaslow advises: “If you know politics are a hot topic, getting into that during the holiday season is not going to get anyone anywhere. There’s time and a place to get into meaningful deep conversation. The holidays are always that time or place.”
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