 Having trouble communicating with a co-worker? Feel like things just don’t “click” between you? You certainly aren’t alone. Conflicts, often fueled by work stress and personality differences, are bound to pop up from time to time in even the most smoothly running and friendly workplaces.
Instead of being resentful and wasting time and energy fuming about problems with someone at work, it makes more sense to figure what triggers your on-the-job conflicts – and how to proactively figure out solutions.
“Even if you find that lately you can’t seem to talk about one particular colleague without using the word ‘idiot’ in the same sentence, there are things you can do to avoid the inevitable frustration or resentment that a difficult co-worker can inspire,” notes Jane Bluestein, Ph.D., who heads Instructional Support Services, Inc., a consulting and resource firm based in Albuquerque, New Mexico, which specializes in relationship building, effective guidance, and personal development.
 Bluestein, the author of The Win-Win Classroom (Corwin Press), emphasizes that how you handle troublesome interactions depends on factors such as how often you encounter difficult people, how closely you have to work with them and the types of behavior they present – as well as your flexibility, sense of humor, and options you believe you have within organizations.
Bottom line: there are instances when you may need to discuss a serious conflict at work with your supervisor, but a lot of the time it just takes using common sense, courtesy – and a willingness to compromise – to diffuse a workplace conflict. Consider these ways to minimize the potential for problems with co-workers and smooth them over when they do occur.
Take stock of how you react to frustration with others
We can’t control other people, but we can learn to control our reactions to them. According to Anna Maravelas, the founder of TheraRising, Inc., in St. Paul, Minnesota, who consults with organizations on resolving workplace conflict, it’s important to realize that the way we think about a frustrating situation – not the event itself – determines how effectively we respond.
In her book How to Reduce Workplace Conflict and Stress (Career Press), Maravelas points out that most everyone gravitates towards one of three basic reactions when faced with a conflict with a co-worker. You may feel hostile with your adrenaline pumping, helpless (feeling as if there’s nothing you can do so you withdraw from the situation), or respond to a frustrating interaction with a thinking pattern that Maravelas calls “reflective reaction” – taking stock of the situation and what needs to be done, not focusing on the person who is making your angry or annoyed.
Taking the hostile, blaming route not only rarely solves a conflict, but can actually make you feel physically ill. Turning your work woes on yourself ( “I must not be good enough, no one understands me”) can lead to depression and lack of productivity. However the reflective approach, Maravelas says, is healthy for you and your organization. So instead of blowing up or turning inward, take time to calmly consider options and possibilities and, what’s more, become curious about the reasons behind your co-worker’s behavior.
“Instead of attacking the competence and character of others, or withdrawing to avoid confrontation, a reflective stance leads us to seek out the other party, open the dialogue, and ask for his or her assistance and understanding,” she writes. “This reaction has multiple benefits to physical health, effectiveness, mood, and the ability to maintain relationships.”
Ask for what you want directly and calmly
Always take time to consider the role you are playing in any office conflicts. When an issue comes up with a co-worker, Bluestein advises being direct. “Many people dance around a problem, never getting close enough to actually resolve it,” she explains. “One of the most important skills in human interactions - if not the scarcest – is the ability to ask for what we want, and to do so without attacking or making anyone wrong.”
Points to remember: cool the stress in relationships with co-workers by talking about your needs and concerns without complaining or attempting to manipulate. Skip any tendencies to be passive-aggressive. Bluestein notes on her website (http://www.janebluestein.com) that you can end up with “rather convoluted and dysfunctional interaction patterns” if you assume you know someone’s reaction ahead of time and approach them fearing anger (“I just know she’ll be so mad at me!”) or assume you’ll be rejected (“He won’t like me any more if I bring this up!”).
More tips on dealing with on-the-job conflict- Once you identify a problem, arrange to talk with your co-worker calmly and provide any additional information that can allow you both some room to negotiate.
- If you are part of a team of employees with different work styles, it may be possible to arrange tasks so that you work separately and then meet for feedback.
- Don’t share personal or job-related problems with fellow employees and you’ll avoid making yourself the topic of gossip – which can, of course, lead to ill will in the workplace. If you have a personal problem, find out what helpful resources your company may offer, such as counseling.
- Stay away from inappropriate and emotionally charged topics – such as politics and religion – at work.
- Relationship building expert Jane Bluestein suggests treating a colleague who approaches you in an angry or clearly annoyed state with a surprise. While your natural impulse may be defensive, Bluestein says you may be able to diffuse a diatribe by answering it with compassion and understanding (“Well of course you’re upset about that!”).
- Being kind and finding ways to ease any strain and discouragement within your office can works wonders. If you have the time, offer to help a co-worker or new employee who seems overwhelmed. Your fellow workers will remember you as the one who keeps a positive outlook in the face of stress and difficulty – and people who feel appreciated and supported tend to be easier to get along with through the months and years ahead.
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