 Think of all the lines – from literature, history, movies and more – that have extolled the power of eyes to communicate. We’ve all heard countless times that eyes are the "window to the soul" and we understand what it means to have a "twinkle in your eye" or to be "starry-eyed".
"A lover’s eyes will gaze an eagle blind," wrote Shakespeare. Mark Twain opined: "Words are only painted fire; a look is fire itself." And who can forget Dracula’s top trick to lure victims involved a wide-eyed stare and the admonition to " look.. into.. my eyes..."
In his new book, The Power of Eye Contact Your Secret for Success in Business, Love, and Life (HarperCollins, 2010), Michael Ellsberg makes the case all this eye talk through the ages has at its basis an important truth – eyes really are a powerful way to communicate with and even influence people. He’s convinced that how you use eye contact can make or break a business deal, deepen your connections with friends and family, get you a date or even land you a job.
Don’t be eye shy So what got Ellsberg interested in the power of eye contact in the first place? Oddly enough, it was his experience as an amateur salsa dancer for over a decade.
"As I got better, I noticed that the dances that had the most electricity for me were the ones with the best eye contact," Ellsberg tells Synergy.
"My partner could have a modest repertoire of turns, or might look ‘average’ on the outside, but if she made solid, clear eye contact, the dance could very well be ecstatic. At some point in that experience, I began to get very intrigued, and I thought, ‘What other applications for this eye contact could there be?’ And that's when I decided to take it off the dance floor and into the singles scene."
Thirty-something Ellsberg has gained national attention by throwing what he dubbed Eye Gazing Parties over the last five years. Sort of speed-dating-through-eye-contact, these mixers feature men and women gazing into each others eyes for a few minutes without talking, to see if they feel a connection they can pursue later.
Ellsberg’s fascination with eye contact grew as his Eye Gazing Parties became more and more popular -- and he began collecting interviews, research and practical information on how the way you look or don’t look at other people can be a powerful communication tool.
But eye contact is more than just staring. That, he says, can backfire. "A piercing gaze under any circustances -- except when you are trying to project hostility and dominance -- is a big no-no," he writes.
Eye contact and businessEyes may be the window to the soul but Ellsberg insists they are also the windows to the sale -- and the way to help land a job or make a presentation that holds the attention of everyone in the room. He points out that former president Bill Clinton is a master at using what Ellsberg calls a "soft gaze" to look at individuals in a way that communicates they have his full attention, that’s he’s totally interested in them, and that they can trust him.
 Ellsberg also discusses research that shows one way people know you are paying attention to them is to listen with your whole body language – which includes how you use your eye contact. This helps promote the feeling you are not in an anonymous transaction but involved in a business deal, negotiation or sale with a real and caring person.
While using eye-to-eye contact can help you sell yourself in a job interview, Ellsberg warns about making too much eye contact in that situation. In his book, he quotes psychologist Dr. Paul Powers who explains that with the appropriate amount of eye contact, "you wil be viewed as confident and charming... If you don’t make enough eye contact, you will be viewed as wishy-washy.. And if you make too much, you will be viewed as over-bearing, disrespectful, and overly aggressive.."
Does Ellsberg find himself consciously using what he’s learned about eye contact in his own business meetings?
"Like anything else, if you're thinking about it a lot, it's going to come off as awkward and stiff. Many readers will have heard of the general progression, in learning any new skill, from unconscious incompetence, to conscious incompetence, to conscious competence and to the end goal of unconscious competence. Most people, when it comes to eye contact, are in a state of unconscious incompetence," he answers.
"They have no idea how bad they are, and how bad it's coming off to others. In learning, everyone (including me) has to go through a phase where it's conscious competence -- you are getting better, but there's still that stiffness that comes from thinking about it too much. But if you pay enough attention to it and stick with it for a few weeks or months, you can get to where it's really smooth, comfortable, and no one notices it, they just feel great talking with you and you feel great talking with them. That has huge value in business settings of all kinds."
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