 A recent advertising campaign has emblazoned the words "No Fear" on everything from sports drink bottles to clothing to bumper stickers. But a philosophy that appeals to motocross riders, big-wave surfers, and cage fighters might not be as attractive to a 40-year-old father with a mortgage, an unsteady job, and two kids strapped into the back seat -- especially when a monster truck with a "No Fear" sticker blows through a red light and cuts him off. "No fear?! " he yells, "How 'bout no BRAINS!"
 That 40-year-old might have had his own hopped-up hemi once. He might have surfed the breaks at Hookipa. But gradually things changed. He's gotten older, has more responsibilities, and now some of the things he used to do just don't appeal any more.
What happens to our spine -- not the real one, the figurative one -- as we reach middle age and beyond? Why do many of us begin to avoid things that bother us in the past? Are we becoming wimps, or what?
For most of us, the hesitation, reluctance, and worry that often develops in middle age has to do with three things.
First, there's almost inevitably a growing awareness of one's mortality and a certain loss of physical confidence related to age, and maybe to separate health issues. If you have a bad wobble on top of a ladder while cleaning out your gutter, it can certainly make you ladder-shy. But it pays to analyze the situation. Maybe it was because a bit of arthritis in one knee, a sore back, a loss of hand strength. Maybe your near-vision problem reduces your hand-eye coordination. Maybe just carrying the ladder and setting it against the house tired out your muscles before you even started to climb. None of this needs to spell the end of your gutter-cleaning days.
Second, there's the load of responsibilities, including those related to kids, parents, marriage, employment, and finances, that are simply a part of life in middle age and beyond. While responsibilities can give strength and purpose, they also tend to reduce a person's willingness to take risks. The more people depend on you to stay in one piece, the less likely you might be to stick with daring pursuits. Of course, this isn't always logical or even healthy. If you've always loved downhill skiing and now find that you've lost interest, be clear about why -- don't tell yourself you're just too busy these days if it's really a fitness problem keeping you from the slopes. Either way, if you want to keep skiing, you can probably find a way. More seriously, responsibilities can turn into stress factors that become almost paralyzing, so that pursuits that used to bring pleasure and a sense of accomplishment just don't seem worth it now.
Third, there's experience, both personal and second-hand, that accumulates with the passing years. Experience is a great teacher, but it can make people more cautious and conservative, more concerned about security than in taking risks, and more disapproving of risk-taking in others. If you’ve ever known anyone who was in a high-speed crash, it's very understandable that you would be extra concerned about the driving habits of your teenaged daughter and her friends. The 22-year-old "No Fear" driver just hasn't had the time to absorb the same amount of life experience. The question is, how do you turn your worry about your daughter into a positive, constructive, rational process?
 Mind over mindMany of the techniques used to deal with anxiety disorders, stress, and depression are well-suited to helping foster understanding and management of middle-aged fears, phobias, and "hesitation blues."
"Some people are more resilient," says Jay Winner, MD, Chairman of the Department of Family Practice for Santa Barbara Cottage Hospital and author of Take the Stress Out of Your Life: A Medical Doctor's Proven Program to Minimize Stress and Maximize Health. "Those people have healthier lifestyles, more social support, know how to keep their problems in perspective, and also know to reframe certain situations to make life less stressful and more enjoyable."
In the case of the wobbly ladder, gutter-cleaning can be seen as just one of the activities that would be enhanced by better physical conditioning -- perhaps a loss of weight, some strength training, and balance exercises. The arthritic knee may remain, but chances are that the painful symptoms would be reduced, and confidence raised.
The technique of reframing challenges is related in many ways to cognitive-behavioral therapy, but anyone can use it with a bit of practice. It can actually change the brain's processes to deal with worries or fears that are not necessarily well-founded, or that prevent us from dealing with them effectively. Reframing a stressful situation in your own mind can be made easier with practice, says Winner.
A good time to practice reframing is when you get stuck in a slow-moving line at the grocery store. "Waiting in line gives you the rare opportunity to just relax," says Winner. "You could list the things in life for which you are grateful, meditate on your breath, talk to one of the other customers, or look at a magazine. Keep things in perspective. One way to do that is with gratitude. Think of your health, family, and friends. The present moment can only be the way it is. Much of our stress comes from wishing it were different. As we pursue our goals of changing the future, we need to enjoy the process."
Dr. Winner is also a proponent and teacher of relaxation exercises as a means to reduce stress and to manage and enjoy the present moment better. "Learning to relax for a specified period of time will help you relax through the day. Enjoy a breath or other present-moment sensation and relax one of your muscle groups. This only takes a couple of seconds, but doing it multiple times a day will decrease your overall stress level. You can apply that technique to progressively more difficult tasks to make an anxiety-producing situation more manageable."
So, two simple techniques -- reframing and relaxing -- can help calm and settle anxiety disorders ranging from stress and worry to phobic reactions. For more on this, see Winner's website [www.stressremedy.com] and talk to your family doctor about the benefits of cognitive-behavioral therapy.
And what about your teen-aged daughter and her fearless friends? It's a situation that petrifies many parents, but it has to be addressed, and you can't address it if you're angry or frozen with worry. After you've breathed, relaxed, and gotten yourself into the present moment, call a meeting with the parents of your daughter's friends -- they're in the same boat, and a sense of community and shared concerns can do much to relieve anxiety and spur positive action. Then, visit http://teendriver.nsc.org and www.teendriving.com. One step at a time. Present moment... Breathe... Relax... Center…
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